Jammy Fuc*ers


Jammy Dodgers

Okay so I know I swear a fair bit on this blog but the title, it’s just so BIG, you know what I mean? Couldn’t bring myself to do it.

You may have gathered that I’m not much of a baker. Every so often however, needs must, or I feel I kind of want to perhaps make something because I know someone else will appreciate it. My colleague ABANDONED ME left this week, to go on to do something she has worked very hard for and to congratulate her I thought come on, Gravy, pull the stops out love, it’s time to get baking.

Jammy dodgers. They’re just cool, aren’t they? Old school, now, which obviously makes them doubly cool. How hard could it be?

Really bastard hard, as it turns out. Well, perhaps not for the rest of you, who turn out biscuit after perfectly golden biscuit but for me, a person who couldn’t even cook a vicky sponge without having a quick glance at the quantities first, well, it was a ball ache, to say the least.



Cack handed piping

I decided that none of the recipes online had enough butter in them, because it’s a good idea to start changing the ratios of baking recipes if you don’t know what you’re doing. When the mixture wouldn’t come together I flew into a panic and thought it might be a good idea to ask my friend (who used to be a pastry chef at a really famous and stupidly expensive restaurant) for advice. Turns out that by sheer luck the ratios weren’t far off, so I persevered.

Not content with doing just regular jammy dodgers, I decided I would dust the tops of mine with coconut. Except I couldn’t decide when this should be added. At the beginning? Halfway through? How would it stick? I decided to egg wash and sprinkle the coconut on halfway through. Why would anyone do that unless they are an utter imbecile? Obviously the egg wash cooked as soon as I brushed it on, what with the biscuits having been in the oven at 140C for the past 7 minutes. I mean, FFS. What is it that happens to my brain when it comes to baking? I blame the blind panic.

I started to put the wash on pre-baking, and the biscuits were looking better, at which point my pastry chef mate turned up. ‘They look good’ he said, commenting on the latest batch and, relatively, they did. On the way out, he stopped to assess the cooled biscuits and asked me if I had any jam.

Him: “How are you going to put the jam on there?”

Me: “Any which way I bloody can. Why is my wine glass empty?”

Him: “I’m going to get you a piping thing (yeah okay so he called it something else), I’ll be back shortly.”

Me: “You don’t need to do that; it doesn’t matter”

Him:”Yes, it DOES.”

And that is why he was a pastry chef and I stick to cooking things which don’t involve sugar.

He arrived with a pointy bag like a magician’s hat which I used to cack-handedly squirt jam onto the biscuits. Still, that’s baking out the way for another year, eh? And you know what? They were pretty damn good in the end. No idea how it happened. They’re soft, more like the spawn of a  jammy dodger and a melting moment than a regular dodger. That may well be down to the almonds and the entire pack of butter that I used. I’ve really no idea.

Jammy fuckers.

Jammy Dodgers Recipe

(makes approx 60 biscuits using a 4cm cutter. Well, it made 50 for me but it would have made 10 more if I’d not just abandoned the last batch)

250g butter, at room temp
100g caster sugar
325g plain flour (you may need a little more)
75g ground almonds
Half a jar strawberry jam
Desiccated coconut, for sprinkling
1 egg white

Put butter, sugar, almonds and flour into a food processor until it comes together into a ball. If the ball doesn’t come together, add a little more flour. Whack it in the fridge for an hour.

Preheat the oven to Gas 1/140C

Knead it a little bit until it’s smooth enough to roll out. Divide it into two equal pieces. Roll one piece out on a lightly floured surface until it’s about 1/2cm thick. Cut out as many circles as you can, re-rolling as necessary. Bake these for about 15 mins, or until golden. Leave to cool on a rack.

Roll out the second ball to the same thickness then use whatever means necessary to get a hole in the centre. I used the end of a sausage stuffer attachement. Just be resourceful. Doing it with a knife is a complete pain in the arse. Brush with egg white, sprinkle with desiccated coconut and cook for about 15 mins until golden. Allow to cool.

When the biscuits are cool, warm the jam a little in a saucepan, just until you can dip your finger in it and it is warm, not hot. Either spread or pipe your jam onto the bottom biscuits, and sandwich the coconut ones on top. Leave to set.

Sounds simple doesn’t it? Yeah.

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  • Avatar
    Reply donald July 1, 2013 at 11:14 am

    I love that second picture:
    notebook and pen. check.
    wine glass. check.
    hastily tidied clutter and mess just outside of the frame of the photo. check.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 11:15 am

      Donald’s feet in the background…check.

  • Avatar
    Reply donald July 1, 2013 at 11:29 am

    missed that

  • Avatar
    Reply Msmarmite July 1, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Did you like mine? At the dr who night?

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 12:50 pm

      HOLY SHIT! Bit more drunk than I thought, then…I um, I think so… ha ha ha

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    Reply thelittleloaf July 1, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Your posts make me happy. Hooray for jammy f**kers!

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 1:40 pm

      Ha ha, I am very glad to be spreading happiness!

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    Reply Catherine July 1, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Too much work. I didn’t grow up with jammy dodgers so have no affection for them. How about good old chocolate chip cookies, cowboy cookies, or peanut butter ones next time? Or even lemon ricotta ones!

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 1:41 pm

      I’m really not sure you’re understanding my relationship with baking here, Catherine 😉

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    Reply fifi July 1, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    OMG your post had me hooting with laughter! I can’t bake my way out of a paper bag so really really empathise with your experience her. If only I could post you a picture of my sad and sorry attempt at a dan tart …

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 1:55 pm

      Well I’m really glad I’m not the only one!

  • Avatar
    Reply Catherine July 1, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    You like to make things difficult for yourself……..!

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 2:13 pm

      I can’t deny that!

  • Avatar
    Reply Alicia (foodycat) July 1, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    Biscuits that require rolling, cutters and decorating are way too hard-core for me! If I can’t scoop or slice the dough it isn’t happening.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 2:13 pm

      You are wise…

  • Avatar
    Reply Shed July 1, 2013 at 2:13 pm


    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 2:15 pm


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    Reply msmarmitelover July 1, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    Yes jammie dodgers are a Dr Who food. I think he managed to beat the daleks with them or something, you’d have to ask the teen.
    Mine are a combo of jammie dodger and custard cream. It’ll be in my next bookywook.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 2:23 pm

      Ooh NICE. Can we get a teaser on expected date for new book? I can get an exclusive 😉

  • Avatar
    Reply Miss Whiplash July 1, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    But they tasted good, right?
    I’m firmly of the opinion that there is No Such Thing as a baking disaster 🙂

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 2:23 pm

      They did taste good, although pretty much entirely by accident you understand.

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    Reply C July 1, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Um, YUM. These look absolutely delicious – I make Jammy Dodgers quite a bit too (love your, ahem, adapted title, by the way) but haven’t quite tried dusting them with coconut yet; sounds sinfully delicious though.

    I generally use the Peyton and Byrne recipe for Jammy Dodgers – I think the recipe’s a bit simpler (but maybe that’s just me). Recipe and finished product here:

    C x

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 1, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Ace. If I can face making them again in like, twenty years time then I’ll give it a go…

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    Reply jamjnr July 1, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    I’m a long time lurker around here and could not contain my laughter reading this. I did wonder though if maybe a knife may have been easier than piping for the jam? In any case, thanks for sharing and carry on baking.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 2, 2013 at 9:01 am

      Hello lurker! Very pleased to make you laugh. Yeah, I didn’t want to say about the knife ha ha…

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    Reply Y July 2, 2013 at 6:59 am

    They look DAMN GOOD.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 2, 2013 at 9:02 am

      I was rather pleased with the end result. They actually went down really well in the office in the end.

  • Avatar
    Reply Helen P July 2, 2013 at 9:27 am

    My colleagues want to know why I am shaking with laughter in the office 🙂 Great post! x

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 2, 2013 at 9:57 am

      Ha ha, thanks! Do feel free to direct them to the blog 😉 tee hee

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    Reply Hungry July 2, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Haha! Another genius post! I’m not sure i would have the patience for this. But, if i may, i would massively recommend Bill Grainger’s pecan, chocolate cookies – and use both types of sugar that he recommends – or more of the light brown if you would rather use one. They turn out freaking amazingly – crisp and nutty on the outside, slightly soft and gooey on the inside. I always make double the dough, roll it up into biscuit diameter logs, and cut into pieces that will make 4 cookies each before freezing. IF they last that long. They kick ass they really do. Even if mine look rather mishapen.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 2, 2013 at 12:36 pm

      Oh gawd, people are suggesting I bake OTHER THINGS. I can’t cope!

  • Avatar
    Reply Hungry July 3, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Do it! You won’t regret it..! 🙂

  • Avatar
    Reply s July 3, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Farking glorious – this is a childhood treat of mine.

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 3, 2013 at 2:25 pm

      I used to adore them! They are better than the shop bought ones, I have to say, although obviously I’m not making them again!

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    Reply Ashley Bee (Quarter Life Crisis Cuisine) July 3, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    This is the second best thing I’ve read about food today, thank you. I love the humor and pretty much laughed out loud.

    The first best thing I read today was a vaguely sexual account of a man who cheated on his foodie ways for some beefaroni.

    Congrats on making the little fuckers 😉

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 3, 2013 at 3:27 pm

      Ha ha! I would ask for a link but…

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    Reply Lizzie July 8, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I can;t even make biscuits without them turning into a big gloppy biscuit mess so hats off to you. you are a good friend.

    (bring me some pls. Thanks.)

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 8, 2013 at 4:29 pm

      I ated them all 🙁 I can make you get well soon bisquits!

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    Reply Claas July 28, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    thank you for the great recipe, today we tried it out. It does not look as nice as your photos, but tastes delicious! Thanks

    • Avatar
      Reply Helen July 28, 2013 at 5:06 pm

      Great! Really pleased.

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